If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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