I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
