and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
