I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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