hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
