One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
