you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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