the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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