This dress was meant to end up on your floor
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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