she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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