The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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