It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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