I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
