He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
