True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
