is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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