At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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