just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I could fuck to npr.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
