I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
