There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
