We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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