He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize