After last night, I could never be a politician.
Quick, to the slutcave!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
nutella sex= disaster
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
