what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
