Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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