If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
