he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
