my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
