anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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