I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
