I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
