Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize