It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
