Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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