Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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