Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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