I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize