I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
