I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
