Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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