So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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