May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
