So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
