rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
