I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Dick very happy bro
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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