Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
