sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
only you would photoshop your dick
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
