she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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