peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i think i have two assholes
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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