I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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