Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
