He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
