he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
