so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
