I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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