I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ketchup is God's man juice
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
