I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
