i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
