Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
