The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
