Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
