I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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